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God damned food snobs.

June 2nd, 2009

From my review of a Subway in my ‘hood, because I smell flags coming:

Some people like to hate on Subway. I’m not sure what gets their goat, is it the fresh bread? Maybe they think baking should be some secret alchemy restricted to carefully vetted initiates.

Maybe it’s the veggies? Yes it would be nice if every store had a garden on the roof, but we have to recognize the impracticality. Some stores don’t even have roofs. But this stuff is good. I’ve seen way more slimy lettuce in my fridge than in Subway (infinitely more, because I’ve never seen slimy lettuce in a Subway. Wait, once, but they instantly threw the rest of the tub away and got more).

Oh, the service? The quick, friendly, I’d-never-be-this-good-on-minimum-wage service? I’m sure somewhere there’s a jerky or incompetent Subway counterperson but I’ve yet to see one, even in the filthy hinterlands of Lents/FoPo.

I know, it’s Subway’s encouragement of entrepreneurship via franchising in the face of corporate monstrosities, or maybe their commitment to fitness and nutrition instead of burgers that are the RDA for calories, plus fries. Is it Jared? What kind of punk hates on Jared? Y’know, I think they’re just snobs who should get over themselves.

The essential failing of food snobs is it’s never enough to enjoy what one’s eating. Oh, no no NO, everything must be washed through some arbitrary set of judgements. It can’t be good, it’s corporate/processed/not the way it’s done in Brooklyn/SoCal/Paris/Tuscany/Memphis, and if you can’t see that, well… (right there they shrug their shoulders, probably sneer a little). I just like good food, that’s all.

Suck my dick. How’s that taste?

You people are not the bearers of Unvarnished Truth. What hipsters are to skinny jeans and obscure tees, you are to food. Cool, whatever, everyone has hobbies someone else thinks are stupid. I have to explain nerdcore every time I mention it. Just one example.

There’s a clutch of these motherfuckers on Portland Yelp and my patience is really getting strained. Yes, I like to eat at Taco Bell. No, I’m not going to take any more of your fucking scorn. You can think you’re better than me all day long. Just keep it out of my face. Fair?

  1. June 2nd, 2009 at 20:02 | #1

    JW, I don’t care. I guess I’m a food snob. I HATE Subway for it is gross and like eating air. QUIZNOS for the fast-food sammy win. And no, I will not suck your dick. kthxbai.

  2. June 2nd, 2009 at 20:31 | #2

    I hate Jared. He should not be used in commercials anymore. Like Tom Shane. Get off the radio you unfunny motherf***er! Your monotone delivery of modern-day vernacular doesn’t fly, beotch! Wait, what were we talking about?

  3. brett
    June 2nd, 2009 at 22:44 | #3

    oh yeah totally hear you. pick a type of food, then go to that region/country and try to find a standardized way of doing it. i remember when i lived in italy and the italians tried to cook some recipes from home for us foreigners. they would immediately break into camps arguing about when to add the salt when cooking the pasta…and it just went downhill from there. someone says they know “the right way” to cook italian food, tell them they’re full of shit.

    and i cried the day the Subway in Geneva closed. sigh

  4. Raiders757
    June 27th, 2009 at 13:38 | #4

    I’ll admit that I am a grilling bigot and pizza snob. Still, that doesn’t stop me from eating food fro ma gas grill or whoof down a slice of Little Ceasers.

    My kid loves Subway, so I eat it quite often. My only issue with them, is they could try to add a little more meat and cheese. Of course food snobs aren’t going to like it. Those sort of people refuse to like anything that can’t be described romantically with a list of at least two or three off the wall pricey ingredients. They’re trendy sheep who feel paying more for less is the real way to eat. You run across these types over at a blog called ‘Serious Eats’ all of the time.

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