Home > Rant > I can ruin anything. Watch me.

I can ruin anything. Watch me.

April 24th, 2009

Who the fuck invented job interviews? More to the point, who designed them to be a God damned torment? Waterboarding? Ha! You want torture, sit at a table with someone who already has a fucking job and wants to know what your fucking 5 year plan is. Osama would off himself before he had to sit through that.

This isn’t a happy one, you probably shouldn’t click on more.

More to the point, why do I have the superpower of saying exactly what will fuck me in a given situation? Where did this fuck up field I project come from and how the hell do I get rid of it? The question, what was your most challenging customer service experience? Doesn’t this fall in the questions you don’t want answers to category? So of course (because it’s true) I say it was the thin skinned bitch wearing gloves in a 72 degree office, when the useless shit who got us all fired (and who was getting me laid off anyway) was demanding we make people happy, because he was on a golf course somewhere (don’t worry, I paraphrased), she’s in a giant office pool, there are vent everywhere and you’re the only one with a fucking problem!

The response? Oh, this job would have 352 of those people, so, yeah….

Well, shit. I’ll just pick my stuff up and go now. Maybe you just have some Drano I could chug or a balcony I could jump from, because clearly I’m just fucking useless. Let’s just get rid of me and no one will ever have to go through this again.

Maybe a little background is in order.

I hate talking to people. I fucking hate it. I’m not good at it, I’ve never been good at it and I have simply no clue how I could improve my abilities. I’d have just as much luck sprouting wings and flying. One thing I liked about maintenance was it had none of the sea of lies bullshit that comprised the entirety of my admin career (see, I’m past tensing, clearly I’m doomed to pay off my student loans via dirty dishes). You either changed the filters, or you didn’t, and no amount of pretty words could change the fact that you burned up a fan motor because you didn’t change the God damned filters. But to get to this world, where only deeds count (not that it really exists, but let’s go with it for the exercise), you have to do what? Slay the HR dragon, someone who was born to swim the sea of lies. Put down the ratchet, let’s chat. Oh. Fuck. Me.

Okay, not quite that much background. I was talking to a guy I used to work with (who got a job in a month that he likes better than the ones we had, dick) who suggested I hit up a company finishing a building nearby, the same company that built the project we worked in. Alright, I can put it on my list of job contacts if the Employment Department asks. And, lo, I get a response. An eager response! They’re hiring! Please come in! Sure, no problem! I can fuck anything up! I’m Superfuckupdickhead *theme music*.

Shit. Fuck. God damn it.

  1. Oldvertue0103
    April 24th, 2009 at 10:23 | #1

    It’s not so much your ability to fuck up anything as it is the fact that you. Should. Not. Do. CS. Simple as that. It limits your options, but it also means that you don’t waste your time on prospects that you know you’ll grow to loathe.

    On the other hand, that’d be a great response at an interview. “So what do you consider your strengths?” “Well, I am really, really good at screwing myself over. Like, expert level.”

  2. Wooga
    April 24th, 2009 at 11:53 | #2

    I’m in the yard all day. Feel free to come over and drink wine and kill dandelions with fire, if you like.

  3. April 24th, 2009 at 12:01 | #3

    I DON’T!!! At least I don’t “do” “CS”, as in CSR. But most any maintenance job is gonna have SOME people to deal with. Which does bring it all round to my fuck up field. Or rather the lack of actual virtue in honesty.

    Do I know you? Introduce yourself.

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