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How to feel like crap

March 8th, 2009

Drink many PBRs. Your large dinner prevents those from having their way with you to an unpleasant extent, but backfires when you miss the last bus home and have to walk 2ish miles with beer and half-assed shepherd’s pie churning in your gut.

In the morning, dismiss your sore throat as caused by drunken snoring. Sleep until 2pm, because of party fatigue and general sloth, not anything viral. Oh, heavens no.

Eat ice cream for breakfast. Will mask anything.

Mistake body aches for hunger.

Accept an invitation to dinner from a friend talented in the kitchen. Use the powers of denial (and beer) on your mounting sense of unwellness so as to not miss the food.

Draft him into delivering you to a simple chore, then continue the evening’s plans because it would be a dick move to bail at that point.

Finally go home about when you would have normally. Take over the counter cold/flu meds. Go ahead, it’s too late, now.

Wake up feeling like an illness fairy is in your skull, pushing your eye sockets outward like Samson’s last burst of strength. Be glad you were never outwardly a jackass to people with chronic sinusitis.

I present this as a cautionary tale, a lesson in what not to do. Except for the ice cream for breakfast part. That was bomb.

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