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God damned food snobs.

June 2nd, 2009 4 comments

From my review of a Subway in my ‘hood, because I smell flags coming:

Some people like to hate on Subway. I’m not sure what gets their goat, is it the fresh bread? Maybe they think baking should be some secret alchemy restricted to carefully vetted initiates.

Maybe it’s the veggies? Yes it would be nice if every store had a garden on the roof, but we have to recognize the impracticality. Some stores don’t even have roofs. But this stuff is good. I’ve seen way more slimy lettuce in my fridge than in Subway (infinitely more, because I’ve never seen slimy lettuce in a Subway. Wait, once, but they instantly threw the rest of the tub away and got more).

Oh, the service? The quick, friendly, I’d-never-be-this-good-on-minimum-wage service? I’m sure somewhere there’s a jerky or incompetent Subway counterperson but I’ve yet to see one, even in the filthy hinterlands of Lents/FoPo.

I know, it’s Subway’s encouragement of entrepreneurship via franchising in the face of corporate monstrosities, or maybe their commitment to fitness and nutrition instead of burgers that are the RDA for calories, plus fries. Is it Jared? What kind of punk hates on Jared? Y’know, I think they’re just snobs who should get over themselves.

The essential failing of food snobs is it’s never enough to enjoy what one’s eating. Oh, no no NO, everything must be washed through some arbitrary set of judgements. It can’t be good, it’s corporate/processed/not the way it’s done in Brooklyn/SoCal/Paris/Tuscany/Memphis, and if you can’t see that, well… (right there they shrug their shoulders, probably sneer a little). I just like good food, that’s all.

Suck my dick. How’s that taste?

You people are not the bearers of Unvarnished Truth. What hipsters are to skinny jeans and obscure tees, you are to food. Cool, whatever, everyone has hobbies someone else thinks are stupid. I have to explain nerdcore every time I mention it. Just one example.

There’s a clutch of these motherfuckers on Portland Yelp and my patience is really getting strained. Yes, I like to eat at Taco Bell. No, I’m not going to take any more of your fucking scorn. You can think you’re better than me all day long. Just keep it out of my face. Fair?